Stop

Do you have any idea how bad you made me feel its a pain that lingers and one that you should know better than to aim at me. As my daughter you need to do better. The rest of the world does whatever time and age takes a tole but this kind of meanness makes me remember all the other times you were so careless.

I can’t believe I am writing this that I am here again. The things you said aren’t true it must be someone else’s mom. You say I don’t care about your feelings I do care. Sometimes you make things worse and that’s what you have done. Not attempting to make sense just throwing accusations. I don’t understand why we slipped said something that shouldn’t be said with you in the room. You pounced on it blew it up you even managed to get angry when asked to stop.

Stopping is what you needed to do. Making me pay is a vindictive thing an intentional premeditated assault based on judgements so negative there are no words to express.

The shock value of swearing at me. I am 71 I am your mother there are people in my age group dying in droves and your here wasting time telling me I am selfish telling me I only care about my own feelings all of these things I never said things you made up in an effort to destroy my character. So how do we come back from this I have no idea the next time your in some mental pain and you want some comfort I suggest you take a minute.

Ask you self. Do I want to throw accusations around do I want to play dirty lower the bar. Show my fangs be meaner then ever. What daughter does this say about you. I never taught you this. You say your depressed I have no doubt if this is the way you think. Thoughts unchecked really how could you feel good.

You ran away from home leaving me with no hint. Do you understand how cruel. To wonder were you alive were you dead we chased you down. That was a night mare this is another.

I can’t think of anyone who wishes to hurt you yet your always having issues with your neighbors people you hardly know. At some point you need to look in the mirror and ask what can I do to be a better person how can I help myself if I have to take care of myself what can I do not to be a target. The thoughts you entertain aren’t helping you depression is something I am familiar with your far from alone. It can be brought about in many ways things not your fault but being mean and hating on people is asking for it inviting it. Your words and deeds don’t just disappear they don’t evaporate they boomerang they come back in the end if you don’t learn to survive if you don’t learn to be kind if you can’t stop judging and hating if you can’t find some restraint than nothing I ever said or did could hurt you more than you not raising the bar for yourself.

This last thing reminds me that your not doing as well as you need to you need to fix this and stop blaming me,

Dream Catcher

Though dreamcatchers are quite abundant, finding real authentic dreamcatchers is not that easy. Real handmade dream catchers are usually small in size and feature sacred charms like feathers and beads. Many dreamcatchers for sale today, however, are much more American than Native American, often oversized and made of cheap plastic materials. Many Native Americans still consider the dreamcatcher to be a symbol of unity and identification among the many Indian Nations and First Nations cultures. Still, many other Native Americans have come to see dream catchers as an symbol of cultural appropriation, over-commercialized and offensively misappropriated and misused by non-Natives. I wish I knew were I got this first paragraph from not sure it could be a combination of sources. I am going to push this entry forward. I agree with every word. It was brought to my attention by my granddaughter,Janiya thank you.

I was told how to make the dream catcher by a native a Member of our family. I think the gaudy pink one should go. The one I made with help is legitimate and a fond memory, almost a miracle because being easily distracted I am surprised that I understood what to do and I did it.

Dreamcatcher Meaning Today: Authentic Symbol or Cultural Appropriation?

It’s Really Late or Very Early

I am up and what am I doing, watching Better Things on Hulu. I thought this series was over, just ran in to it trying to finish another series I can’t find about sisters. I rely on these series but I don’t want to. It’s like watching a life less lonely and solitary than my own. I like the places that they live in even the food they eat. I don’t remember t.v. being so good or relevant. It’s actually very unlike t.v. as it was, or even as it is now. But it is like real life maybe a little more interesting more entertaining. I have to stay up long enough so I don’t lay in bed thinking about my real life my brain searching for problems to solve without the energy to solve them or the memory to resolve them.

Connection

The reason I do this is for the sake of connection.

I need to remember that is my motive l am lonely I miss the children I am afraid of this long separation years and years going by.

I really need to know that I mean something I need to find the incentive to keep trying not worrying that my age and my physical problems will keep me out of the circle. Someday I am coming back so leave room for me please.

This Blog

Requires time as well as research if only to establish what kind of mutual interest I might have with others.

Me/The Rest of the world trying and writing.

On my mind today are why did the Doctor tell me to get an ultrasound then have an office person call me to set up an appointment to discuss results. I am like an old Car I have a list of concerns I thought that my teeth and my knee were the most important on my list. I feel like a full time job of maintenance. This new thing is not welcome. I have other things more fun and less ominous to think about. I was listening to the Dali Lamas Cat it is to difficult to multi task so I can only hope to remember to go back to listen. I hope that whatever mystery discovered will not make other concerns more concerning.

I regret not taking better care of myself paying more attention to what I eat or finding out if taking naproxen could affect my liver. In the meantime it’s a waiting game. One week!