It’s Really Late or Very Early

I am up and what am I doing, watching Better Things on Hulu. I thought this series was over, just ran in to it trying to finish another series I can’t find about sisters. I rely on these series but I don’t want to. It’s like watching a life less lonely and solitary than my own. I like the places that they live in even the food they eat. I don’t remember t.v. being so good or relevant. It’s actually very unlike t.v. as it was, or even as it is now. But it is like real life maybe a little more interesting more entertaining. I have to stay up long enough so I don’t lay in bed thinking about my real life my brain searching for problems to solve without the energy to solve them or the memory to resolve them.

Connection

The reason I do this is for the sake of connection.

I need to remember that is my motive l am lonely I miss the children I am afraid of this long separation years and years going by.

I really need to know that I mean something I need to find the incentive to keep trying not worrying that my age and my physical problems will keep me out of the circle. Someday I am coming back so leave room for me please.

This Blog

Requires time as well as research if only to establish what kind of mutual interest I might have with others.

Me/The Rest of the world trying and writing.

On my mind today are why did the Doctor tell me to get an ultrasound then have an office person call me to set up an appointment to discuss results. I am like an old Car I have a list of concerns I thought that my teeth and my knee were the most important on my list. I feel like a full time job of maintenance. This new thing is not welcome. I have other things more fun and less ominous to think about. I was listening to the Dali Lamas Cat it is to difficult to multi task so I can only hope to remember to go back to listen. I hope that whatever mystery discovered will not make other concerns more concerning.

I regret not taking better care of myself paying more attention to what I eat or finding out if taking naproxen could affect my liver. In the meantime it’s a waiting game. One week!

Hearts And Minds Rule

I am tired of trump and all his cronies I thought this country was past him and people like him

Truth is they were there invisible in crevices all along

Waiting confined least they be stepped on by actual thinkers

Welcoming climate change offering no hope

Sinking selfishly into the quicksand of greed not realizing the circle they made would soon grow big enough to encompass them

Then the servants all immigrants for no one really has the right to withhold the land to sell the rights to water leave the 1%

LEFT without attention they shrivel like raisins

In the sun there is a new beginning were the least we do is enjoy the privilege of shared humanity

Our parched lips drink it in like a new thought never having crossed our minds we are liberated from the pinky finger believing its scrawny digit could defeat us

We only had to use our minds

I am sorry

I am sorry. I love you. I understand that I hurt you. I wish I never did. I don’t do it on purpose and I lose control. I feel bad when I do. When it feels like I am trying to hurt you I’m not I’m just trying to protect myself from getting hurt, hurting you in the process is not intentional. I don’t think that makes it hurt any less, and it is a sucky way to try to protect myself. Please know that I love you.

Right From The Dali Lama

The self cherishing attitude makes us very uptight, we think we are extremely important, and our basic desire is for ourselves to be happy and for things to go well for us. Yet we don’t know how to bring this about. In fact, acting out of self cherishing can never make us happy.

 

I am posting this in an effort to remember what I consider to be a guiding principle in my own mindfulness. This one statement always calms me and allows me to turn the page.IMG_3603